God's Revelation

I am totally blown away by what God has shown me today. After church, the worship leader came up to give me a hug. She told me she understood what I was going thru with Kristin because of what she went thru with her disabled child 27 years ago. I knew she had lost a baby who had some problems, but I never knew any of the details. She shared with me and allowed me to ask questions. Although our children had different problems, they went thru some of the same things. She was honest with me about his death and what he and they had to go thru. It was just what I needed to hear. She answered some questions that no one else has been able to.

But the best part of His revelation came just moments ago as I was completing my Bible study time. I have began a new study by Beth Moore called "Living Beyond Yourself - Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit". Today's study was called "Crucified" and focused on Galatians chapter 2. Beth uses many scripture references to help gain the full meaning. She talked about and explored 10 characteristics of the Crucified Life.

1. Few will understand. (Matt. 26:36-46)
2. You must abandon your own will and your own agenda. (Heb. 12:2; 1 Cor. 2:9-10 Matt 26:56)
3. Your intimate spiritual companions will be few. (Matt 26: 36-39)
4. Intense times of aloneness with God are required. (Matt 26: 57-67: 1 Pet 3:15-16)
5. You will be constantly on the witness stand. (Heb. 13:12-14)
6. You must go "outside the camp". (Matt. 27:27-31)
7. There will be times when your dignity is forfeited. (Matt. 27:32-44)
8. You must forego your rights. (Matt 27:34,48; Heb. 2:9)
9. You must accept that death is painful. (John 20:1-18)
10. Because He was forsaken, you never will be.


As I read #9, I instantly thought about Kristin and what my urgent plea and struggle has been. "Lord please just take her and don't allow her to suffer anymore." During these last 6 weeks, I have endured watching her suffer, regress and raise many unanswerable questions. The last few days, I have especially questioned how much medical intervention is right anymore. If she continues to have these "episodes" should we continue to put her on the ventilator and give her the medications to keep her blood pressure up? "It is not like we are getting her well", I recently told my husband, "it is just getting her thru until the next time." I have talked to so many people trying to understand how much she will have to suffer if we don't choose to aid her in these ways anymore. I just want God to take her peacefully and her to not suffer. But as I read John 20 1-18, I was so struck by Jesus' words to Mary as she realized finally Who He was. "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God'". vs. 17

WOW - it suddenly hit me that I can't have it both ways. Death is pain and the pain, agony and suffering Jesus endured for me, was horrible for God the Father to watch too. He understands my pain. But I need to focus on God's Will and not my own. I have been so selfish saying in essence, "God, You take Kristin, but don't make her suffer. Do it my way, cause I know best!" Which brings me to #10.

Because He was forsaken, you never will be. Forsake: (N) To quit, abandon, leave behind, cease from.

When Jesus had taken on the full load of our sin he cried out to the Father, "My God, why have you forsaken me?" My Bible commentary explains this passage so well. (Jesus was not questioning God; he was quoting fhe first line of Psalm 22 - a deep expression of the anguish he felt when he took on the sins of the world, which caused him to be separated from his Father. This was what Jesus dreaded as he prayed to God in the garden to take the cup from him (Matt 26:39) The physical agony was horrible, but even worse was the period of spiritual separation from God. Jesus suffered this double death so that we would never have to experience eternal separation from God.)

So, because Jesus paid the penalty for all the sins of the world, God will never abandon Kristin. That is the one thing she will never have to endure as part of her suffering. She will be absent from the body, present with the Lord. It will be instantaneous.

The hardest thing as a parent, is seeing your child suffer. We want to make their pain go away right now. We want to bear the pain for them. But most times, this is impossible. I have really questioned how much she would suffer if we withheld medical intervention, but now I see that that is exactly what God had to do. He had to watch his one and only Son suffer - so that we could live. I am going to have to see Kristin suffer, so that she can live, eternally with the only One who can take away her pain and suffering. I can't - He can... and will.

Thank you Father, for speaking to my heart today. Thank you for answering my urgent plea for wisdom. Only when I seek You, can I find peace. Only when I seek You, can I gain wisdom. Only when I seek You, can I know You and Your Will for my life. Pain does not mean You are not there - I see You now, more than ever. May Kristin's life bring glory to You.