Time Moves On

I cannot believe how quickly time is moving on. Tomorrow will be three weeks since Kristin went home. That seems unbelievable. I have not had any words to post lately. It feels like I am so far behind in everything and can't get caught up. The holidays are so busy anyway. I cannot seem to get motivated. I have not done the first bit of shopping or decorating. Would be nice to skip that part this year, and just focus on Jesus' birth.

I have to admit my days have been hard. Much harder than I ever could have imagined. I thought my days with Kristin were hard because it hurt to see her condition and her struggles and limitations. I had prayed for God to take her for 10 years, but could have never prepared myself for what life without her would really be like. I just miss her so much. So many reminders.

Yesterday as I walked thru Wal-Mart, I passed the girls clothing department. I have bought her so many things there. Recently I had seen some things I wanted to put in layaway for her Christmas. I got so sad as I walked by there yesterday and thought about not getting to buy her anymore clothes. As I was telling God how much it hurt, I immediately thought of how beautiful she must be clothed in heaven. I was able to smile thru the tears as I thanked God for my hope in knowing that what she now wore was so much more beautiful than anything I could buy her here on earth. Oh how I look forward to seeing what she wears now. I know she must sparkle.

I am thankful for the distractions, times to focus on other things. My son has had his first two basketball games. The season has gotten off to a pretty good start. We are also loving this NFL season. The Colts are 11-0. Talk about exciting!

Thank you for your continued prayers, for inquiring, for caring. I will try to be better about posting.

A Message of Hope

This post is going to be pretty long, but I really wanted to share the message our minister gave at Kristin's funeral. Lord, may this message of hope, bless each person who reads it. Thru Jesus I pray, Amen.

This is a not a sad, doom & gloom, awful day. Kristin is gone, and part of Mark & Jodi’s heart is missing because she’s gone. But this is a day to glorify God, because Kristin is finally complete and whole.
When Kristin was born, everything started out as doom and gloom. Jodi’s dreams for her little girl – dressing her up, doing her hair, involving her in tap dance classes and cheerleading – all of that was lost. These losses hurt down deep. In the beginning, all the focus was on these losses.
There were joys. When Kristin was at home, Mark would hold her and let her snuggle in. She would finally relax and go to sleep. There were the times when Mark, Jodi, Dustin, Kristin’s nurse Caulvette and Kristin would all huddle together watching the Colts play football. Later, at the Nursing Home, Kristin progressed. With all of the wonderful people there caring for her, Kristin gained some. Her Teacher’s helped her so Kristin could listen to music and watch her TV. There were joys. But it has been a long road for Mark & Jodi to be able to see God’s glory shown through Kristin’s life.
Jodi commented that she was just a new Christian when Kristin was born. She hadn’t gotten into Scripture much. And her losses were really hard for her. She didn’t understand why God did this. What was she being punished for? As time went on, Mark and his family and close friends in the Church, would say things about Kristin that Jodi didn’t understand. “Even though I hurt,” Jodi said, “I knew down deep there had to be answers to my questions.”
One day early on when Kristin hadn’t been in the Nursing Home long, Mark’s brother Paul said to Jodi: “She’s such a blessing in your life.” This hurt Jodi; she thought, “You have no idea what it’s like. I don’t consider her a blessing.” Paul sensed Jodi’s hurt and said, “One day you will realize it.” “And now,” Jodi says, “that’s exactly what she is. I understand now.”
Things began to come together for her when Jodi started to read the Bible. The Bible said this life would not be easy. It said God would refine us. All of this spoke as evidence to Jodi that God was working in their lives through Kristin.
For example, the Bible says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Jesus said, “‘Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back & take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going. Thomas said to him, ‘Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?’ Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.’”
When people go to the Especially Kids Nursing Home – Kristin’s home away from home – they usually react saying, “How sad, how terrible it is.” And they find it hard to look at the residents there. Early on when Mark used to look at Kristin all he could see were her deformities, and it bothered him.
Mark said, “God is holy; we’re not. When God looks on us, he sees our deformities. Without Christ in us, God’s reaction to us would be, “How sad, how terrible it is.” But because of His love for us, God our Father looks past our imperfections as if they were not there. This insight helped Mark look at Kristin differently. He didn’t focus on her deformities. He didn’t focus on how terrible she looked. As her father, Mark looked on his beloved daughter. He looked for the twinge of a smile on her face.
Mark commented, “Satan tries to use things against us. He wants us to see the negative. He doesn’t want us to see what God sees. Because of Christ, when God looks on me, He doesn’t see my sins & failures; He sees His Son. How amazing this is!”
The Bible says, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
Jodi said, “God allowed what happened to Kristin, and He used it for good. God didn’t cause it. It happened because we live in a fallen world. Sometimes God heals people & shows His glory that way. Other times, He doesn’t heal people. God knew He could show more of His glory by letting Kristin live 10 years. Without this, I would never have learned what I did. God used Kristin to give me a faith that I would not trade for anything.
“God can bring good out of the suffering of a fallen world. He used Kristin’s suffering, and He uses our suffering for good. It took me a long time to get to this point in my faith. When Kristin would get sick & struggle, when she had to be poked with needles, when she suffered convulsions, spasms, and contortions, I would ask, ‘Why?’ But what God witnessed when His own Son suffered for us was worse. God didn’t spare His Son.”
“Now,” Mark said, “Kristin is free. One of her favorite videos was Spirit. She liked the part where as a young horse, Spirit ran free in the wild. Now, she is finally free. When I see Kristin next, I will see her there in heaven. We will worship the Lord together. And I’m not going to remember her having a G-tube or a trachea tube. She will be perfect. I will see her enjoying her time with her Father and with her Savior. Right now, I see her anticipating when we will be with her. She is in eternity experiencing amazing things with Christ that we can’t imagine.”
Jodi pictures Kristin walking, talking, singing, & dancing! When the music in her videos and on her tape player started up, Kristin would kick her legs, her eyes would get big, she would swing her body. She loved to move! Kristin first began smiling when we moved her, like when we picked her up. Then she began to smile at her tickle me Elmo, at her dancing hamster, and at her Sesame Street guitar player. Jodi remembers rewinding the video ‘Cats and Dogs’ over and over to a specific part that made Kristin smile every time she heard it. And that was fun.
A couple of weeks ago, Jodi wrote, “I began a new Bible study called ‘Living Beyond Yourself.’ One day’s study was called ‘Crucified’ which explored characteristics of the Crucified Life. One of those characteristics is: You must accept that death is painful.
“As I read this, I instantly thought about Kristin and what my urgent plea and struggle has been. ‘Lord, please just take her and don’t allow her to suffer anymore.’ During these last weeks, I have endured watching her suffer, regress and raise many unanswerable questions. I just want God to take her peacefully and her to not suffer. But as I read the Scripture, I was so struck that I can't have it both ways. Death is pain and the pain, agony and suffering Jesus endured for me, was horrible for God the Father to watch too. He understands my pain. But I need to focus on God's Will and not my own. I have been so selfish saying in essence, ‘God, You take Kristin, but don't make her suffer. Do it my way, because I know best!’
“This brings me to the final characteristic: ‘Because He was forsaken, you never will be. To forsake means to quit, to abandon, to leave behind, to cease from. Because Jesus paid the penalty for all the sins of the world, God will never abandon Kristin. That is the one thing she will never have to endure as part of her suffering. She will be absent from the body, present with the Lord. It will be instantaneous. The hardest thing as a parent, is seeing your child suffer. We want to make their pain go away right now. We want to bear the pain for them. But most times, this is impossible. I have really questioned how much she would suffer, but now I see that that is exactly what God had to do. He had to watch his one and only Son suffer - so that we could live. I am going to have to see Kristin suffer, so that she can live, eternally with the only One who can take away her pain and suffering. I can't - He can... and will.”
God is gracious. Mark said, “When it was time for Kristin to go, God did answer our prayers. She was very quiet and calm on Wednesday, and she just slipped away.”
Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this? Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” In Kristin we have seen it.

Prayer - God, our Father, we thank You for Kristin. We thank You for what you have done for us through her. And I thank You, Lord, for what you did for Kristin through Mark and Jodi, through Dustin, through all of the staff at Especially Kids, and through her family and friends who loved her. Lord, You have shown that you can bring good even out of sorrow. Bring Your good again now. This we pray in Christ’s name. Amen.

Smiles from Heaven

Well I am totally exhausted, but I really wanted to take a minute to share about the visitation tonight.

God is just so good. I was really anxious to see Kristin and what she would look like. One of the things that always bothered me, was that she could never close her mouth. Because of the damage from birth and the fact that she couldn't swallow or use her mouth, it just never formed right. It always hung open and her poor little mouth was so awful looking with swollen huge gums and nasty teeth etc. When I would kiss her, I always had to kiss one little lip at a time. And of course her smiles didn't look like we would think of a smile. But they were so precious and uplifting to us.

The funeral home called us Wednesday after they got her there. They said they needed to do a procedure to close her mouth - so they needed us to come sign a paper, giving our permission. I was so relieved because I always wanted to see her with her mouth closed. But I have to admit I was a little nervous about how she would look. I knew it would be so different.


When we got there today and went in, it was a beautiful sight. The room was such a perfect setting for her, with so many special treasures our family and friends had sent. But the best part was seeing her, for the first time, more like she would have looked. She looked so big and grown up.

Mothers love to dress their little girls up and I'm no exception. Little girl clothes and accessories are so fun to shop for. But I could never fully enjoy that because there were so many things she could not wear. We had to pick out things that didn't cover her trach and didn't interfere with her feeding tube or diapers. And with the styles today, that is no easy task. The little girls clothes are molded from the women's clothes. Showing the midriff doesn't work well with feeding tubes and diapers. :)

But our last shopping trip for her was different from the rest. I was looking for something to hide her tracheotomy this time. Her bright pink, crew neck sweater and button up blouse made her look so grown up. And for the very first time, she got to wear big girl panties. No more diapers! It was awesome. Her hair was all curled and the top pulled back with a big pink bow. Of course, they had to put quite a bit of make-up on her, and it made her look so grown up. She just looked like a precious doll. She was truely beautiful.

But the most special thing was a gift from God. When I would turn to look at her with someone who came up to the casket, I could see her smile. The first time it happened, I had to blink because I couldn't believe my eyes. But it continued to happen all night long. The presence of the Holy Spirit was so real and alive. As we would talk about her being in heaven with Jesus and I would see that smile, I knew it was a confirmation. It was as if she were saying, "Oh Mommy, I'm so happy here. Just like you always wanted me to be."

I just know that she has been running and skipping and singing and hopping, and every so often, she runs into Jesus' arms and gives Him a hug. Then she's back off playing some more. God is so good. We could definitely feel the power of prayer tonight. I just can't express it in words, but we felt so much strength and love from all the people that came and all the hugs we got. Just know that God is at work and He is answering all those prayers. We just really feel blessed.

Dancing in Heaven

Today was the day. Oh how many times I have wondered, when Lord? Now I know. April 22,1995-November 9, 2005. We got to have 10 years with our baby girl on this earth. I can only imagine what it was like when she went from here to her eternal home. All I know for sure is that she is whole now. She can walk, talk, eat, run, play and sing. And I know she will love to dance because she could never hold still when the music was on. I know she is no longer stiff or spastic. Her mouth can open and close and I know she has the most beautiful teeth now.

My best thought came shortly after she died, while she was still in my arms. It has been so hard all these years to not know if she recognized me or knew I was her mom. I wanted so bad for her to feel my love and to know how much I loved her. While I was holding her and looking down at her worn little empty body, I pictured her sitting on Jesus' lap, feeling His perfect love and looking down at me holding her and realizing the love of her mother.

I know the best is yet to come. I cannot express how much I look forward to our reunion in Heaven. But right now I am content knowing she is with my Lord and Savior and he has touched her and made her whole.

Another special thing about today is, that it is the same day the Lord took my step-father two years ago. I need to finish that story one day soon but I can't think it coincidence that they left here on the same day.

The Lord continues to teach me and lead me thru circumstances that allow my faith to grow. I do trust Him with all my heart and definitely can't lean upon my own understanding. I have learned to look for His purposes and trust that He does work all things for my good.

Father, you alone are good and perfect and true. Thank you for continueing to give me proof of that. Thank you for the special privelage of being Kristin's mom. Oh how you've changed me because of her. It hurt so bad sometimes but I know it was necessary. I cannot even express right now, all the things I feel and think, but that's the awesome thing about you, Father, You already know. I am so thankful that we know Kristin is safe with you and that our time apart is short compared to eternity. Over 2000 years ago, you watched your Son suffer and die, but you had a purpose and a plan. I know Kristin's life is within that plan also, and I praise You for that. I might question, but I will never doubt your good, pleasing and perfect will. Thru Jesus I pray - Amen

COLTS 8-0 !!!!!!!!

How many of you watched the game last night? How many of you are smiling this morning? I know I am. :) Indianapolis Colts 40 - New England Patriots 21. Pretty, wasn't it?

My love for football began 10 short seasons ago. All it took was having someone to explain the game to me because my lack of enthusiasm was a result of simply not understanding what the heck was going on. That person is my patient husband, Mark. Remember, he's the one who coaches high school football and talks football in his sleep. (I love you, honey!)

Ok, back to the game. How about that first possession last night? What a catch, Marv!! Of course, Brady/Branch came right back with an answer. Then Peyton goes to "The Edge" and the Colts were up 14-7. Then there were those back to back turnovers, which landed the Colts another 7 points, making it 21-7 at the half.

The Colts took their time in the 3rd quarter, patiently driving the ball down the field and finally letting Dominic Rhodes run 4yds to score. But the Patriots come right back with a 31 yd pass from Brady to Daniel Graham to make the score 21-14. To close the 3rd quarter and open the 4th, Mike Vanderjagt made back to back field goals, kicking 35 yds and 20 yds to add 6 more to the score. The two teams then exchanged one more touchdown each, Troy Brown, receiving a 19 yd pass and the Colts, Harrison catching Manning's 30 yarder.


Yes, Dennis, the Colts made it over that hump. I have a good feeling that this could be their year to make it all the way. But as Coach Dungy keeps stressing, we are a long way from the playoffs and we'll take it one game at a time.

I have to give the Tom Brady and the Patriots credit. They didn't make excuses for their defeat. As Tom simply put it, "We got our butts kicked." I have respect a man who's humble & honest.

I think I can hear Peyton saying, "Thank you, thank you very much."